Journal #3 - Arrogant and Serious
Hey Guys,
Today in a conversation with my ex, she tells me that since we've broken up I've become arrogant and lot more serious that I used to be. I probably seem more serious with since we don't to often and when we do it's usally about life and advice, I think most people who see me on a daily basis still think of me as silly, fun, and overall eccentric. Although I can definetley see where I have become more arrogant over the last year. It' been a year since our relationship began and about 6-8 months since it ended to put some historical context on everything.
So what happened... what caused this shift in me. Partly I do think it's the post relationship need for redemption. After we broke up my ambition to succeed kicked into full gear to 1) become super successful out of spite and 2) redeem myself for the sense of rejection you get at the end of a relationship. On top of that I was working a lot of hours and struggling to finish my undergrad so my social life died and the amount studying and learning I did during that time increased, knowledge for months became my only friend and only desire.
This time of learning philosophy, politics, history I guess can be called the true death of innocence for myself, as my usual optimistic and idealistic view of the world became more logical and practical than it ever was before. Then I came to New York, where I've been finally free to pursue my ambition and learn new skills to my hearts content until a few weeks ago when this last entire year decided to catch up with me.
Now I sit here, my heart and my brain operating on two completely different parallels one talking about what's logical, practical, and utilitarian when giving advice. While my heart still contains the old me who was compassionate and stubborn to the belief that hope always exists in everything.
In every end there is a beginning, and beginning has an end, yet you never hear of how stories overlap and how one story that might before might continuously spill over into others. This is how I feel about life these days, as if a story that was done a long time ago will not stop at spilling over into every other story that continues for all the characters involved creating a very interesting yet emotional triangle of drama, excitement that'd probably make a good film.
IN the center of it as usual is me, always sort of a supporting character who is delegated to being spectator and a critic in the harshest of ways... and it's in this role I've probably developed this arrogance.
It's so easy for me to say how things are and point out the obvious cause I'm looking from the outside looking in, but it is arrogant for me to state my observations as if they were equally as simple seen from the inside.
I've always felt as if I was spectator of life and I think it's a source of some of the wisdom I have, but it's also the source of my occasional disconnect with reality and the reason why i offend people I actually very much admire and respect.
Many say they like the way I look at things, but sometimes the way I view things can be a burden. Throw on top the intense focus and alienation from the world of the last 8 months of my life and you begin to see It's about time I come back to the fold and let my hair down again.
I'm no longer struggling like I was, I'm no longer hurt like I was, it's time for me to get back to normal, but it's been so long I forgot what normal is.
- Alex Merced
Today in a conversation with my ex, she tells me that since we've broken up I've become arrogant and lot more serious that I used to be. I probably seem more serious with since we don't to often and when we do it's usally about life and advice, I think most people who see me on a daily basis still think of me as silly, fun, and overall eccentric. Although I can definetley see where I have become more arrogant over the last year. It' been a year since our relationship began and about 6-8 months since it ended to put some historical context on everything.
So what happened... what caused this shift in me. Partly I do think it's the post relationship need for redemption. After we broke up my ambition to succeed kicked into full gear to 1) become super successful out of spite and 2) redeem myself for the sense of rejection you get at the end of a relationship. On top of that I was working a lot of hours and struggling to finish my undergrad so my social life died and the amount studying and learning I did during that time increased, knowledge for months became my only friend and only desire.
This time of learning philosophy, politics, history I guess can be called the true death of innocence for myself, as my usual optimistic and idealistic view of the world became more logical and practical than it ever was before. Then I came to New York, where I've been finally free to pursue my ambition and learn new skills to my hearts content until a few weeks ago when this last entire year decided to catch up with me.
Now I sit here, my heart and my brain operating on two completely different parallels one talking about what's logical, practical, and utilitarian when giving advice. While my heart still contains the old me who was compassionate and stubborn to the belief that hope always exists in everything.
In every end there is a beginning, and beginning has an end, yet you never hear of how stories overlap and how one story that might before might continuously spill over into others. This is how I feel about life these days, as if a story that was done a long time ago will not stop at spilling over into every other story that continues for all the characters involved creating a very interesting yet emotional triangle of drama, excitement that'd probably make a good film.
IN the center of it as usual is me, always sort of a supporting character who is delegated to being spectator and a critic in the harshest of ways... and it's in this role I've probably developed this arrogance.
It's so easy for me to say how things are and point out the obvious cause I'm looking from the outside looking in, but it is arrogant for me to state my observations as if they were equally as simple seen from the inside.
I've always felt as if I was spectator of life and I think it's a source of some of the wisdom I have, but it's also the source of my occasional disconnect with reality and the reason why i offend people I actually very much admire and respect.
Many say they like the way I look at things, but sometimes the way I view things can be a burden. Throw on top the intense focus and alienation from the world of the last 8 months of my life and you begin to see It's about time I come back to the fold and let my hair down again.
I'm no longer struggling like I was, I'm no longer hurt like I was, it's time for me to get back to normal, but it's been so long I forgot what normal is.
- Alex Merced
Comment
-
Comment by Lucky on July 9, 2008 at 5:18pm -
Normal for us is been happy and keep improving, talk to people and have fun with out to many worries.
Also happines is making plans to reach our goals and be with the people we love the most.
Nice and easy for the Merced family to be happy.
About
Badge
Alex Merced Status
Loading feed
Blog Posts
© 2009 Created by Alex Merced on Ning. Create a Ning Network!
You need to be a member of The Alex Merced Community to add comments!
Join this Ning Network